Nights

My nights are definitively worser than my whole day.
I don't sleep anymore, skin goes wild, I have a huge burden on my chest, I feel it empty, I have one million of thoughts. Just driking makes me feel a bit easier, and I'm very aware that it is another issue covering another issue that I will have to deal with soon.

I lost that feeling that I had someone by my side, but sincerally, when did I had?
I deal with all alone since always, I'm the sad strong lone wolf type, I never tell how I really feel to anyone so they don't see my weak side and can rely on me more, the few ones I did told, they abused me or took all they wanted from me like Angelica, Paulo, Michelle and others...

I'm a loyal fool with no one by my side anymore.
Everyone had what they wanted from me, I'm not necessary anymore.
This includes my parents.

Morning

My morning is not being good.
I already "woke" with my mother yelling at me for no reason at 9am.
"Wake up your lazy, you do nothing of your life"

I put woke between quotes because I couldn't sleep, too hot and too wounded,
not a good combination, it made me my skin go to shit, even more than yesterday.

My leg still hurt very much from my fall of the stairs. It is not dark or anything else
but the wound is a bit deep.

Today

I'm not paying attention to anything anymore.
My head is having too many thoughts.

It made me fall from stairs... twice.
I hit my right leg pretty bad, it is bleeding still.

I messaged her some times today, I really fucked up everything,
I had done a huge scar on her.

If there was someway to repair those issues i gave...
I could give my life for.

Some things never change

Quite a while I don't type anything here, huh?
I guess is no issue anymore, no one reads it anymore.

This blog always had been a place to type my sorrow, my anguish, my feelings, I guess it will keep like this forever, once again I'm here to say that I'm not ok.

I feel very empty, sad, I dont even feel like to eat, i just do to avoid people asking me why I'm not.
I screwed up, or not, I dont know.
I'm not so sure of what I did or did not.

But some things are certain:
I'm so lovesick by that woman that I can't stop thinking on her.
I'm annoying.
I'm hopeless.

Welcome back

Welcome back to my blog =)

I will start to post again here my thoughts and what i did on my day ^^

Off

Will be away from this blog for a time.
Nothing good came from it since it started.

Stupid me

Why? :(
How?

Tired of asking...tired of nagging, tired of faking myself, tired of not express myself, im tired of being alone.
Im in urge to be with someone, a partner, friend, a support, a love, but i cant have, i hate all, i hate most myself.

Thrash life!

Tears of a sorrow man

Finalize the job, kill me....
Trow me away to the ashes, im your poison, im your devil.

Im not a lover, im not a good person, im soulless.

Seeing her pain and sorrow towards me,
Makes me want to not keep living on
Cant stand anymore, seeing and reading...

The pain is huge now, love, lover,
honey, sweetheart. Please...
...trow me away.

I rather see you with someone else happy than
with me in this deep pain, saying you died...
Now im dead too, but i cant allow you to
suffer cause me....

Trow me away, im bad for you,
My love for you is huge, but i
cant allow you suffer anymore cause me

I will forever love you,
I always will be staring you
Smiling and loving, but crying too...

Cause i couldn't make my dream come true
Make you feel happy at my side.

SHIT SHIT!!!

WTF is wrong in my life?!
Im tired of being treated as a child, as a retarded, as the wrong one, as a devil, etc.

Since the start of this year i just heard bad things, comments comming from people i though
would support me, be there when i need, etc.

Father basically negleted me as his son since his gf actually didnt knew that i was blood related to him.
Gf = "we are completely the opossite of each other in everything", today got mad and as i think, sad and trew herself on the poems, that more than one im the central theme and im always the devil, the one who destroyed her soul, etc.

Gosh, this kills me and get me sad and mad.
She seems like can break apart like glass if i say anything.

I just said that will not understand cause you matured too fast, and i not.

So what? Is true, and you know it is, you called me childish more than once.

And i sincerally hope you look to this: Were just spoken about how i like and learned things about a anime, and you cant understand how, since you see as childish thing, trew at my face that event that happened to you and wrote lots of poems and in the last saying to break our bond?!

Stop that, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND this event happened to you, i will never know,  there is many
things i do not understand about you, and will live forever without knowing.
You dont trust me, you dont like to listen me, i have to swallow my pride to not let things get bad.
I have a deep fear of anything i say to you that might break you apart.
I said one thing about a anime and you broke apart today....

DAMN!!

I know what you gonna say now, "so why with me? there is better things, dont need be with me"
I need to, but i dont know anymore if you need me.

Why things must be like this? Say?

MAD

The day started very good, face bleeding due wounds, mom almost get kidnapped and now a motherfucker, that i swear that i will kill if i discover who is, is making up conversations and lies about me to my girlfriend!!

WTF?!!? Betray?! Badmouth?! Stupid, idiot?! Say such things to her, i didnt ever, in all this time i know her, thought that of her, is all the opposite, she is one of the smartest people i know out there and if i need to talk, i talk directly to her, and not to anyone else, other people just ruins relationships. Talk on her back is something i never did to anyone and i will not start now, especially with my girlfriend.

But listning that she believes in all this bullshit cause the person is thrustworth?!? If this is the thrustworth, the untrustfull must say to her that i do sex with every living being i see walking and that i think she is a whore.

Seriously honey, chose wisely your friendships and who you trust!
And if i discover who is, i dont even care what you say or who is. i will make this person pays for what is doing with me, even if you say is your best friend, brother, sister whatever!
This is not something i can forgive!

Titanic

Things are going smooth as it went for Titanic, im sinking and everyone thinks im fine, unsinkable.

Father left home, im just worsening form my skin, everyday more it goes worse, no money, our fridge broke in midnight and all our food rottened,, so which means, we buy/fix the fridge or buy the food, mom barely eats has weeks and today she just pukes non stop, i think her stomach has a tumor...   :'(

Girlfriend is almost absent lately, don know her reasons, what is doing, where went, im just alone going through those problems without no one to even asks me if im ok, being sincere, just her asks me and cares if im ok, i know she has/had her problems, and is going through some/lots of stuff lately and dont want tell me *or maybe burden me, she thinks* what is going on, but i wish her more present talking with me about everything and listening me too.


Isn't for that a couple?

No one sees im bad and that im sinking in these problems.

Work day

Today i started doing a very very easy final exam of psichology: "How will be technology in 7 years based on what we know now"

Gosh =D  Was freaking easy, i could write 4 pages and more!!

Then got in home and started to work on the blog, oobviously after opening windows, cleaning my room, lunching and washing dishes ;)

Logged on messenger and kept talking to someone special  untill now ^^
Poor you ;~;  head aches *pats and kiss forehead*  will get better, im sure ^^

Damn >_<  i got too focused on the blog thing and then suddenly my neighbor asked to use internet quickly cause he got his internet cut, i didnt paid much attention to my love :(

I will just focus on her tomorrow, will be a day off for her >_<

Layout

Hi folks :)
Im testing a new layout for my blog, it looks so much better now. I loved <3
Tell me what you think about it on the comments.

Stupid Me!

SHIT!!! SHIT SHIT!!!

I cant believe she got online when i was in the other room watching a series Dx
I shouldnt have watched it!!! It made me a precious time with my honey!
I thought she wasnt going to be online because the time! Stupid me!! Damn! I need stay more!

I hope she do not thinks im mad with her, im not and hopes more she didnt got mad :'(

Thoughts

My skin is horrible, very, yesterday i didnt slept cause that (see last post) and scracthed myself a lot :(
And today the wheater didnt helped a single bit, was extremely hot till 2pm, now is raining and winding, result?  I get even worse :(

Things betwen me and my honey still not that ok :/
I dont want to comment much about it, i just know is not ok yet.

I pray for her everyday now, but in the deep i know that pray will not solve anything, but what else i can do? I will do anything i can, if is pray, i will.
You will get over this honey :) Im sure, with my help or not.

Personal Talk

Which kind of boyfriend am i?
Which kind of relationship is this?

Things are just complicated and more complicated between us, i feel that everyday we are more apart,
and im such dumbass...always saying or doing something to hurt her.... she doesnt need that, she has
enough problems so i cant turn into one more...but seems im :'(

She trusts me less and less, tells me almost nothing about what she did, feelings or whatever is happening.
I trust her all...all she asks i tell and do and even more sometimes, is not enough?

Why she is so complicated?
Why im such jerk?

Those aswears lies within each one of us, i dont want hurt her more, i love her very much, but seems
im blind by this love and im hurting her :'(  Im starting to hate love, im completely over her, desperate to
have her in my arms, feeling hurt, a complete idiot, guilty for all said and did wrong, happy for having her
as my girfriend, blind for her to the point to not even cumpliment other womans and have dreams of us together... In short, i feel love, hate, sadness, happyness all same time and im dying cause of it...

No matter the bad points in this relationship, and down moments, all i want is her and her love... i cant live without it, cant live without her, hope i didnt ruined things this time :'(
All i do is cry cause of what happened, waited all day like a dog for her and the day ended with her mad, sad and "god knows more what" with me and the things that happened to her.

Reflexion

Im so worried with her, so worried of losing her, worried of the things that happened lately...
Worried with many things. but mostly in how is going my relationship with her

Yet i hear clearly the words coming from her, as coming from me "i love you"... i can hear a faint sound coming from the back saying "you hurt her" "you are bad to me" "why you do that?" "why dont you undertsand?" "dont leave me" "dont hurt me" ...

Gosh...is so hard to feel in love, so painful, but she, she is worth of any pain, any sacrifice...
I dont give up on her, i hope she never gives up on me..i hope.... she didnt gave up already...

I have so much plans for us, i wanna spend my time and feelings with her, being faithful and trustful, im already all of that, im sure of that, i see that but is my truth the real thing, am i showing that? Is she seeing that?
How can i proper show to her?  Am i a bother? my friends are?

I do hope things get better son, i do hope she gets better son, she cant hide from me that she is depressed, but hides very well of what and why she is depressed...

The worst of all is knowing that im sure, im guilty of part of her sorrow... this kills me... the one i should protect, im hurting... i wanna see a light on this darkness to light up her path, so she can see how good and
beauty is the things ahead of her, i dont mind being in darkness, or even alone, gosh, im alone since i born.
She is the first real company i have, must be cause that i hurt her... i still dont know how to deal correctly with people, specially the one i love. I wanna learn how to deal, how to care, i wanna be better and better, she cant leave me... i dont want to, she doesnt want to... but things just seems to go toward this path...

"Your smile is so resplendent

That made my heart happy

Hold my hand for we get out from this terrible darkness

Since the day i meet you,

I remember of that beautiful place

Which in my infant was special to me

I wanna know, if with me you should dance

If you give me the hand i will take you

Through a path full of darkness and light

Maybe you can not notice

But my heart is all over you

Because it needs, someone to show it

the love you can give it

My happy heart beats

By a universe of hope

Hold my hand, the magic await us

I will love you for all my life

Come with me by this way

Hold my hand for we get out from this terrible darkness"

No matter how i look things, this explains all that i want now, that i feel, what i see when i think on you...

Take my hand... lets get out of this deep darkness honey

Finally back

I finally have my intermet back :D
Got a new hair cut
Lita's gift finally came after 10 days ^^

But the best of all is being able to talk to my honey normally again ^w^
Yeeeiiii


Today she seems a bit off :/  .. i mean.. i feel something is wrong...

Log 3

damn... i couldn't talk to her on college, and connect without credits didnt worked too :(
I wonder if she got mad cause that.... i wonder so much things lately now...
like, will she one day get back with me?
Is she better from her pains?
did ate?
will my parents fix their issues?
mom will accept dad back again?

I expect have my lovely Christina back, i miss her a lot, i will never have any other woman,
i just need her, i will never have any other woman. I will be forever her bf, or at least...
forever the person who loves her to death.

Log 2

Yesterday i could login on my phone without credits :)  i could talk to her, yeeey ^^ made me so happy talk to her, she seems better from the fever, im very glad, but we just spoke a bit... >.> and i think i will not be able to connect without credits again today, i already tried and didnt worked :/

I want to talk more to my beloved Nini :(